Whole Foods’ Grammar Wins, But NOT their Muffins
More Bites, More Hormone Problems
Whole Foods, congratulations on getting your grammar right. Yes, it’s “fewer” for countable things like sugar packets and “less” for the uncountable stuff, so thanks for not bungling that like so many others do. That said, we still have a muffin problem. They’re colossal—20-bite beasts that go for $4.50, practically begging us to supersize our bodies. Freeze half, savor 10 bites with some butter and coffee. But then the Economists panic because there goes their grand plan for Americans to binge—Shop BUY EAT Repeat—so the economy grows. FEWER food purchases means LESS growth and right here again is today’s grammar lesson.
Food sellers bank on our elastic stomachs. We keep stuffing ourselves, the body adapts, and voilà, an 11-billion-pound national surplus just sitting on our torsos. That’s why we watch shows about 600-pound people, or the 1000 pound Sisters while still clinging to the “Eat Healthy!” mania. Marketing says “the more kale, the merrier,” but in truth, half a muffin is often plenty for breakfast—especially if you’re not plowing fields at dawn. Fewer muffins (see what I did there?) means tighter wallets for Mr. Bezos which might cause a minor corporate meltdown, but it’s NOT our job to pump up the economy with every oversized pastry??
Look at the old muffin cups from the 70s—1 5/8 inches high, practically bite-sized by today’s standards. Nobody complained. Now the behemoths in the display case come in at triple the diameter and twice the guilt. We keep telling ourselves it’s okay because it’s “organic,” which apparently bestows immunity from overeating. Fifty years of this has led to a wave of diabetes, and now most of us need Ozempic to undo the damage. Meanwhile, “eat healthy” has morphed into “eat a mountain, as long as the packaging says ‘whole grain.’” That confusion fuels obesity stats (which are probably more like 60% than 40%), along with the global warming that happens when we produce all this excess food.
Downsizing for a Safer Future
Maybe it’s time to shrink our muffins, bump UP the prices, and admit that sometimes not eating is what fixes our insulin issues. But that’s a tough sell for the politicians, advertisers, and wellness gurus who’ve been cashing in on our overeating for decades. Now that everything from cupcakes to kale chips has been “super-sized,” we have to figure out how to keep the economy humming when people buy half as many items. Downsizing might make better sense for our bodies, but it spooks the folks who profit from big servings. Muffin mania’s days are numbered. Let’s hope next year’s batch comes in something closer to those “vintage” mini muffin cups. Our stomachs could use the break.
Bravo!