The 8 Commandments of Wellness Bitches

(The Official Religion of Wellville)

Commandment #1

Thou Shalt Be Permanently Broken

You are never fine. There is always something wrong—some form of inflammation, a hormone imbalance, gut dysfunction, adrenal fatigue, nervous system dysregulation, or hidden toxins quietly working against you. Even when you feel normal, that feeling doesn’t get to stand on its own for long, because there’s always someone ready to tell you why it isn’t real and why something deeper must still be off.

Sam Stomach:
“If they admitted you were healthy, they’d have to get a real job.”

Commandment #2

Thou Shalt Use Words No One Understands

Never say anything plainly. Ordinary feelings and simple words are replaced with more clinical, complicated language—being tired becomes adrenal fatigue, feeling bloated turns into gut dysbiosis, annoyance is reframed as nervous system dysregulation, and hunger is labeled blood sugar instability. The more confusing and technical the wording becomes, the more authority it seems to project.

Sam Stomach:
“Nothing sells like a diagnosis that sounds expensive.”

Commandment #3

Thou Shalt Fear Food

Every week there’s a new villain to blame. It started with fat, then shifted to carbs, then sugar, then gluten, then dairy, and now seed oils are under attack. The target keeps changing, and if the pattern holds, it won’t be long before something as basic as oxygen ends up on the list.

Sam Stomach:
“If breathing burned calories, they’d ban air.”

Commandment #4

Thou Shalt Buy Powders

Nothing healthy seems to exist in normal food form anymore. Everything is presented as powdered, fermented, extracted, activated, or ceremonial, stripped of anything familiar and turned into something that needs explanation. You’re not just eating breakfast; you’re measuring, mixing, and assembling something closer to a potion.

Sam Stomach:
“That’s not nutrition. That’s Hogwarts.”

Commandment #5

Thou Shalt Wake Before the Sun

Your day is supposed to begin with suffering. It starts at 4:30 AM with a rigid ritual—an ice bath to shock your system, breathwork to control it, journaling to process it, a stack of supplements to optimize it, and a green drink to cleanse it. And none of it really counts unless you film the whole thing and post it for Instagram.

Sam Stomach:
“Congratulations. You woke up early to hydrate.”

Commandment #6

Thou Shalt Attend Expensive Healing Retreats

For only $6,800, you too can “heal.” The experience promises transformation through a lineup of curated rituals—cacao ceremonies, sound baths, breathwork sessions, journaling circles, and moments of emotional release with strangers. The structure feels profound, the setting intentional, and the price reinforces the idea that something meaningful must be happening. Meanwhile, the meals are kept deliberately simple: soup, and then more soup.

Sam Stomach:
“Six thousand dollars to sit on pillows and breathe.”

Commandment #7

Thou Shalt Moralize Food

Eating is no longer just eating; it’s turned into a kind of virtue test. A simple meal isn’t described in plain terms anymore, because saying “I had lunch” isn’t enough. Instead, it becomes something elevated and self-conscious, framed as “choosing nourishment aligned with my highest self,” where even the act of eating is made to signal discipline, intention, and identity.

Sam Stomach:
“If broccoli made people enlightened, rabbits would run civilization.”

Commandment #8

Thou Shalt Never Be Finished

Thou shalt never be finished; you must always be detoxing, resetting, healing, aligning, regulating, and cleansing. There is always another protocol to try, another supplement to take, another retreat to attend, and another expert to consult.

Sam Stomach:
“The cure always costs $89 plus shipping.”

SAM STOMACH’S FINAL SERMON

Once upon a time:

There was a time when people simply ate. Meals were nourishment, nothing more. Now, eating has become a project. You are told to heal your relationship with food, regulate your nervous system, support your gut microbiome, optimize your hormones, detox your liver, and balance inflammation. Every meal comes with instructions, expectations, and a recommended powder from someone named Skylar. What used to be simple is now a structured performance.

Wellness culture has replaced the blunt commands of diet culture with a quieter, more insidious pressure. Instead of being told to eat healthy and exercise, you are guided to heal your gut, balance your hormones, align your energy, regulate your nervous system, and purchase countless powders. The method may have changed, the language may have softened, but the underlying message is the same: there is always something more to fix, always another step to take, and someone waiting to sell you the solution.