Diets Are Dead. Long Live Magical Foods.
Disclaimer: As a Pilates Professional, I approach all body shapes and sizes without judgment. My perspective on cultural and political issues is informed by an intellectual analysis of the American body and how it has been impacted by the diet and exercise industries.
Apparently, 75% of Americans have declared war on diets — and the diets are winning. Even Harvard threw in the towel and said, “Y’know what? This isn’t working.” That’s not because no one tried them — oh no, we’ve tried all of them. Since the 1960s, the diet industry has been raking in trillions (with a T), while the only thing most people have managed to lose is their will to live after constant failure.
And after decades of trying, failing, and rebounding and then losing it, people have officially given up. But branding! Ah yes, branding saves the day. Now, nobody says “diet” — that’s a dirty word. We’ve evolved. We don’t even say “eat healthy” anymore because it’s A) grammatically offensive, and B) dangerously close to saying the word eat, which could cause mass panic now that Trump is advocating a go to Jesus moment and EATING in America is definitely GLUTTONY—yes one of the SEVEN deadly sins!!
Instead, the wellness world now focuses on the foods. Not the act of eating them. Just... the foods. Glorious, magical, antioxidant-blessed items you MUST buy. No one says “consume” them — you just need to own them and maybe look at them lovingly while meditating.
Green tea, of course, is the Beyoncé of this food cult. It's the wellness darling that gets invited to every self-care soirée. Why? Because it pretends not to waste water. And you can sip it smugly knowing you’re doing something for your health, the planet, and your Instagram.
Your typical “OMG Green Tea Is Basically Liquid Immortality” article includes the usual suspects:
1. Catechins (not a '70s boy band, shockingly)
Especially EGCG, which is the antioxidant equivalent of a Marvel superhero.
Supposed to fight inflammation, support your heart, and prevent everything from Alzheimer’s to alien invasions.
2. Caffeine
Less than coffee but just enough to make you feel like you could clean the garage.
Boosts metabolism and helps you pretend you're alert in meetings.
3. L-Theanine
This amino acid is here to chill you out without knocking you out.
Basically, it's the spa day your neurons didn’t know they needed.
4. Polyphenols
Science-y word that means: “Stuff that sounds impressive.”
Allegedly protects you from “oxidative stress,” which is now blamed for everything from spider veins to aging.
⚙️ Bonus Nutrients!
Includes vitamins you’ve heard of and minerals you probably aren’t getting unless you lick rocks.
Health Benefits (Allegedly):
Melts fat.
Extends life.
Improves brain function (citation needed).
Saves your teeth.
Might fight cancer (if you squint at the studies).
Helps you live longer so you can suffer through more of these articles.
But wait — what if you don’t like green tea? Don’t worry, the wellness industrial complex has a plan. Just switch to jasmine tea, which is exactly the same, costs three times more, and has 1% fewer antioxidants, which we are told is deeply meaningful. Isn’t it incredible that with all this green tea sloshing around, America is still chronically exhausted, depressed, and inflamed?
It’s almost like... none of this works.
And then there’s movement. Can’t call it exercise anymore — too traumatic. Gretchen Reynolds, fitness columnist and last woman standing in the New York Times Wellness clique, has pivoted from “run a mile” to “scrub your toilet faster.” That’s right. If you Swiffer with purpose, it might extend your life. Cleaning the gutters is now CrossFit. And chasing the bus? Basically HIIT.
She’s probably written 14 volumes on why exercise is your salvation — and now she’s telling us, “Maybe just vacuum a little faster.” Americans are already snapping hips like celery sticks from all the advice she and her ilk have been giving us for 50 years. Now hip replacements are a bad root canal.
Reminds me of the cleaning lady I once had in a three-level apartment. Tiny woman. Carried mops and vacuums up and down stairs like a beast. Worked in ten other apartments. But folks still thought she should be doing spin class at night. Because that’s health. That’s America. If it’s not in spandex, it doesn’t count.
So here we are. Still overweight. Still overmarketed. Still sipping green tea hoping it’ll solve decades of metabolic chaos. The good news? Pretty soon Ozempic and Mounjaro will be in the water supply, people will be doing 80Bites and all the wellness grifters will be out of a job. Or at least off your For You page.
And I, for one, can't wait.
Look at the bodies. Listen to the 'before and after' stories. Then ask yourself—where are the 'afters' now? Because if 95% of people regain the weight, those 'afters' aren’t success stories—they’re just a moment in time before the cycle starts all over again.